DATE: FRIDAY FEBRUARY 10, 2017 – 9:11PM E.S.T.
TRANSCRIPT OF OVAL OFFICE LISTENING DEVICE
LEAKED VIA RAOUL FELDER, MELANIA TRUMP’S DIVORCE ATTORNEY
TRUMP: What the hell does he want? I’m tired and backed up.
BANNON: It’s about the steaks, he really wants you to say something about beef, show up at a barbecue, product placement.
TRUMP: Well, he should have known better than to think I was going to honor that deal. To be honest, I never really liked my steaks, the packaging, the packaging was perfect. I took a big role in the design of the Trump Steaks packaging, the logo, the bag –
BANNON: I remember –
TRUMP: And I’m very proud of how the Trump Steaks looked, but despite the packaging, the steak, and you know I like my steaks rare –
BANNON: You sure do.
TRUMP: That’s right, I like my steaks rare, and the Trump Steaks, my steaks, my Obamacare, well, let’s just say some of that meat might be better served in one of the taco bowls from the place downstairs, it would be an upgrade, I got to tell you. (Series of grunts and clanging noises.) What’s going on with the wall, anyway? Is all that still a problem, the Mexicans? If they’re watching CNN they have a totally wrong understanding of everything, totally wrong, fake news. How can I make a deal with someone who believes fake news? Worse yet, I bet they’re watching UNIVision, my God!
BANNON: I’ll tell him you’ll take the steaks for your Mexican restaurants, but at half the wholesale value, which would erase your debt and leave him owing you $12 million. But, we aren’t really having this conversation.
TRUMP: What conversation? I thought you were here to get ready for Saturday Night Live. Where are the response tweets? We need to be way ahead on this one.
(Some rustling in the room.)
BANNON: Right here, Don. Here we go. “SNL uses washed up Rosie to play Patriot Bannon! Not funny! Bad ratings! USA doesn’t LIKE!”
TRUMP: No. That will just remind everyone that they think I fell asleep at the Super Bowl, which I didn’t, I just left the party, which was a boring, terrible party. I was actually at home on the toilet for the last quarter. You know how backed up I get by nine o’clock. (Unintelligible) … they just make something up. I can’t believe how people just eat up this fake news, it’s disgusting.
BANNON: I understand. There is a developing story about two black players from the Patriots not wanting to come to the White House.
TRUMP: Isn’t that a good thing? It always backfires when I do things with blacks.
BANNON: That is the current trend.
TRUMP: Especially the athletes, the black athletes, they have such big hands.
BANNON: It presents a bad optic. How about this one? “Rosie not funny, out of work, chasing my coat tails! IRS, audit Rosie coming soon! Lock her Up!”
TRUMP: I like that Steve, just make sure ‘lock her up’ is all caps. Call Jeff Sessions and have him start something with Rosie, an investigation, I don’t care. (Rustling, a zipper sound, rustling) Yeah, right there. What else you got?
BANNON: I think this one kills two birds with one Tweet. (A door opens, a toilet lid is lifted. Sound of someone sitting on and using toilet.)
TRUMP: All right, go. (Farting sounds).
BANNON: Ok –
TRUMP: (Grunts, farts.) Oh. Oh. Aaah. Steve, I have to confess to you, no matter what I’m doing in here, even when I look at the door from my desk, I can’t help but think about Bill Clinton and Monica. I just can’t believe he would settle for that, she’s huge! I mean, look at her face! Unbelievable.
BANNON: I’ll have Ivanka come down when we’re finished.
TRUMP: Great. Now, read the Tweet so I can watch the news, Kelly Anne said some good stuff is coming up on Fox in a few minutes. She says I look great. I’d fuck Kelly Anne, but no, no way, she looks too much like Betsy Devos. Right?
BANNON: As usual, we’re on the same page.
TRUMP: Great minds think together. Is that how it goes?
BANNON: Yes. Ok, here it is. “Rosie 2 Fat 2 Play Patriot Bannon! Fake News SNL Needs OUT OF WORK beefcake Rosie to IMPROVE Ratings CARNAGE!! Not funny!”
TRUMP: Fantastic! And you got the beef in there. All cap ‘carnage’ and ‘out of work’. (Farting, splashing.) Just add the word ‘Respect’ in all caps at the end. Now, your next task is to get Ivanka down here to show me some of her new dresses, just the blue ones.
BANNON: She’s on her way. I just need your signature on a few things.
TRUMP: Just leave it on my desk. And, wait. Steve, great job today. Okay, Buddy? One more thing, make sure ‘PATRIOT BANNON’ gets all caps.